Falling Leaves
by Karin1
Summary: Sometimes our losses can be our gain. - Grissom/Sara -
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer:** CSI and its characters are the property of CBS and Alliance/Atlantis Networks. I'm writing this story for entertainment purpose only. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's note:** After weeks of writer's block, I've finally finished the first part of a new story. I wrote this fanfic after The Accused is Entitled. There are a few season two spoilers, but that's it. I'm still trying to stay spoiler free!!

I want to thank Missy for editing this story. I'm so lucky to have you as my beta! :-)

* * *

**Falling Leaves**

By Karin

* * *

She turned up the collar of her coat. It wasn't exactly cold for the time of year. In fact, it was a beautiful October afternoon. The clouds started to part and the sun cast its watery rays down on her. No, it wasn't that. It was the cold inside of her that made her shiver. An icy feeling, that no sun could chase away, filled every limb of her body.

With empty eyes she stared at the small tombstone in front of her. It was made of white and black marble. Not exactly her first choice, but it did fit him. His name was carved with admired precision, taut outlines, not those curly ones. It was strange. She saw the words, read his name, yet her mind was unwilling to grasp the meaning of it. She wasn't ready to accept that it stood for death, loss and sadness.

The serene silence, characteristic for a cemetery, was broken by the priest's voice as the service began. She was drawn by the sound of it. She knew that he had probably read out the same lines a dozen times before, but somehow the warmth and deliberation with which he spoke made it more personal. It was almost as if the priest had known him personally, as if he felt the sorrow and the pain himself.

"He lived for his job and he died for it. We remember a good man who gave his life for what he believed in."

Yes, they did. They were all here to remember and pay respect to the man that he was, the man that was gone now.

* * *

_She watched in terror as the bullet penetrated his chest. His eyes grew bigger; there was a dark surprise clearly written in them as if he had not expected this to happen. His mouth opened and closed several times, but no sound came out. Then he fell backwards on the ground. _

* * *

Someone placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry for your loss." She didn't know the man, but nodded automatically. This was difficult for her, yet there were people who were grieving much more, people who had known him all of his life.

His mother was standing not so far away from her. Although they had never met, she knew that it was his mother. They had the same eyes, the same face. She felt so sorry for the woman who had just lost her son. Losing a child was the hardest thing in the world. It didn't even come close to her own pain.

She wished she had the courage to go and talk to the woman, but she was afraid. She was afraid of how his mother would react to her. She did not even know how she would react herself. Besides, what was there to say? They were strangers, only linked by her son. 'I'm sorry for your loss' seemed so cold, but she couldn't come up with something better, something more personal.

And so she kept on standing there, watching and listening how the priest finished the service.

"Amen."

Soft voices repeated the word. She remained silent. It did not feel right to say 'Amen'. Not only because she didn't believe in God, but also because the word sounded so resigned, as though it was time to let go. She was far from letting go. Anger still controlled her. She knew that she could only find peace when the man responsible for all this suffering would be convicted to rot in jail forever. Maybe then she could move on.

Slowly, one by one, all those present left the cemetery. Unlike the others she did not move. She couldn't leave like that and when she looked up, she found out that she wasn't the only one. His mother was also still standing near the tombstone, fresh flowers in her hands. The older woman knelt down and gently, almost tenderly, placed the flowers at the head of the stone. As she rose again, their eyes suddenly locked. Tears were shimmering in the woman's eyes, while hers were still dry.

Before she could say or do anything, the woman gave her a small nod, acknowledging who she was and then walked away to the car waiting for her. Now she was truly alone. The sinking feeling in her stomach increased as the silence threatened to overwhelm her. When the priest had spoken, she had concentrated on his words. She had suppressed every thought or feeling of her own, but now that she was alone, they only came back full force.

She wished she could cry. She had not cried since it happened, not even when he was lying there on the ground, life slipping away from him. Tears were burning in her throat, but they didn't come. Maybe she was afraid of crying, afraid of the emotions that would come with the tears.

"I'm so sorry," she said huskily. "If only…"

* * *

_With eyes wide open of unbelief she saw the man pointing his gun straight at him. At that moment time seemed to slow down. She felt like she couldn't breathe anymore, that her heart had stopped beating. Her whole body had become numb. She was paralyzed with fear, unable to move or do anything to prevent what was about to happen. _

* * *

Her voice broke. There was no point to it anyway. Nothing she could say or do would bring him back, would erase the last couple of days. She was powerless, and it was by far the worst feeling she'd ever experienced.

As she was about to leave, she was surprised to hear the rustling sound of leaves behind her. Having thought she was alone, she immediately turned around to see who had disturbed her.

"Sara."

She stood rooted to the spot, her heart missing a beat at the sight of him. Of all the people who could have possibly been here today, she had definitely not expected him.

"What are you doing here?" It came out sharper than Sara intended.

He shifted his eyes uncomfortably. "I thought…I just wanted…"

She took a few steps towards him. Her fists were clenched. At first she wanted to yell at him. She wanted to make him understand that he had no business here. After all, this was something personal. It was something she had to deal with on her own. But deep in her heart she knew that he'd only come for her, just to be there for her, and she needed him. Now more than ever.

She heaved a deep sigh. "I'm glad you're here, Grissom."

* * *

_To Be Continued… _

* * *

I hope you liked this first part. Please let me know what you think of it. Thank you!

- Karin -


	2. Chapter two

**Author's note**: I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed my fanfic. It really means a lot to me!

And a huge thank you to my beta Missy. This chapter was harder to write than the first one and she did a great job editing it! Thanks, Missy!

Although I have yet to see 'Crash & Burn' (we stopped after Lady Heather's Box and now we have reruns), this story takes place around that episode. I may refer to C&B in the third/last part, but there are no real third season spoilers in this one!

* * *

**Falling Leaves**

By Karin

* * *

Grissom walked over to Sara's side. He briefly placed his hand on her arm. "Can I…Is there anything I can do for you?"

Sara grimaced, avoiding his questioning eyes. "You can do a lot for the dead, Gris, except bringing them back to life again, so no…there's nothing you can do for me."

She didn't mean it as an accusation or a reproach. It was just the way it was. Grissom was as powerless as she was.

Sara's hand trembled slightly when she rubbed her face. Exhaustion was slowly taking over her. It wasn't so surprising after three days without any sleep, pacing up and down her room. No wonder her body started to protest.

"Would you mind…?" She gestured to a bench standing at the fenceline of the cemetery. It had a good view over the plain.

"Not at all."

As they took place at the wooden bench, Grissom glanced sideways at Sara. Her face was too pale for his liking and there was a dark distance in her eyes that troubled him. This was the first time he had seen her since the accident. After that terrible night they had forced her to take a few days off. She had locked herself up in her apartment, not reacting to any of their phone calls or their well-intended visits.

He could not say that the time off had done her any good. "Are you all right?"

It was a typical Grissom question. Of course she wasn't all right. Everything was wrong in fact. The whole world seemed to have been turned upside down.

"Do you want to talk about it…about Hank?"

Sara flinched at the sound of his name. A cold hand clasped her heart while the images of that terrible night flashed before her eyes. She knew she couldn't stop them; they were imprinted into her memory.

* * *

_He was breathing heavily. His lips were colorless and his skin so pale that it almost seemed translucent. There was blood everywhere, forming a pile around his body. It was on his shirt, on her shirt and on her hands that had tried to stop the bleeding. The other paramedic did whatever he could to save his partner, but she knew that it was in vain when she looked into the depths of Hank's eyes. They started to lose focus. He was slipping away from her. _

_She felt so alone. Although she was surrounded by dozens of people – colleagues, police officers and curious strangers who were excited by the distress of others – it was just the two of them. The world had stopped around her. Sounds became dull, echoing in her ear like a distant memory of something she once knew and enjoyed. Lights faded, even the stars at the sky seemed to have lost their shine. Then with one deep sigh Hank surrendered himself to the shadows of the night. He was gone. _

* * *

"I cared about him."

A veil came over Grissom's face as jealousy took over him. It was the same jealousy he had experienced for so long, but never acted upon. He had stood by and watched how Hank had wormed his way into Sara's life and had stolen her away from him. It was his own fault of course. He had been given too many chances to make Sara understand how much she meant to him, but his fear of letting her come to close held him back. It was the cause of all of this and he cursed himself for letting it have come this far.

Sara didn't notice his inner struggle and continued softly: "I never loved him though. He was just there for me and I liked his company."

The feeling of relief that she had never loved Hank was quickly replaced by guilt. 'He was there for me.' Although she had never loved the man, Sara had turned to Hank for something he couldn't give her himself.

Even now he did not know what to do. He could not find the right words to comfort her, and so he said nothing. Instead they sat there, side by side, for what seemed like hours, staring aimlessly. Slowly the sun broke completely through the thin sheets of clouds and shone its bright light over the entire plain. It reflected on a white tombstone close to Hank's grave, creating a beautiful spectacle of lights, and brought a glittering glance on the leaves that were covered with raindrops.

Even though this was a dark place reigned by grief, it was bright and beautiful at the same time. Sara knew that some people found that comforting for it offered them solace and peace of mind, especially when they came back to remember a loved one's death.

She glanced at Grissom. He was still staring into space, but it seemed like he wasn't really looking at anything. His eyes were distant. Sara wondered how many times he'd been at a cemetery before, if he had lost people he'd cared about.

"Are your parents still alive?"

Her supervisor jerked his head in surprise, definitely not expecting her question. Quite frankly it shocked him and for a few seconds he did not know what to say. They had never been very personal. No, correct that: he had never been very open about his past. He'd always thought that it was safer that way. And it was, until Sara appeared in his life.

"My mother is still alive."

The emphasis on the word 'mother' made Sara clear that it was all right to talk about her, but strictly forbidden to enquire after his father. Apparently it was something he didn't want to share with her. She accepted that. She had some demons of her own, so who was she to judge? She was surprised enough that he had answered her question at all.

"Can you tell me something about her?"

At first Grissom wanted to decline. He felt uncomfortable telling about his mother, the most important woman of his life. Then again, Sara made a close second, so maybe it was only right.

Even before he could open his mouth, a smile already curled upon his lips as precious memories came flooding back.

"My mother is a beautiful woman, not only from the outside, but especially from the inside. She is caring and gentle. She's always there for others, never shuts her eyes from the injustice in the world. She taught me that everyone is special, that no one is less than the other. That is very important to her."

The warmth with which Grissom spoke about his mother softened Sara's features. He obviously cared a lot about her. "She sounds like a wise woman."

"I think you'd like her." He paused for a moment, then continued: "And she would like you too."

"I would hope so." Sara smiled, assessing his words as its true value.

"You once asked me how I learned to sign. Do you remember?"

How could she forget? It was one of many times that he had hurt her by pushing her away.

"Well, I've learned it from my mother. She is deaf."

Sara's eyes widened. Not because of his words – his sign language was so good that he still had to practice it – but because this was the first time he truly opened himself up to her. It was the first time she was allowed to catch a glimpse of the real Grissom.

"My mother is deaf, but she never considers it a disability or an excuse. Actually, she thinks of it as a challenge. She has the most beautiful hands and when she signs, it is not just a series of movements; it's…an art. It's…"

His voice trailed off. Then without any hesitation Grissom raised his hands and as he shaped them into signs, he drew Sara into a silent yet expressive world, unfamiliar to her, but so special to him.

Her whole body was aching to understand what he was telling her, to be part of what he was willing to share. "What did you just say?" she asked eagerly when Grissom rested his hands on his lap again.

"I'm there for you when you need me."

Sara felt a stab of emotion she did not dare try to define. The fact that he was here already proved to her that he meant it. And using something personal like sign language told her that although he tried so hard to make her believe otherwise, he did care.

This was the third time she saw Grissom using sign language and like the other times it made her realize how blessed she was to hear. Even here, on one of the saddest places, there was so much to listen to and enjoy. Sara could hear the birds in the trees humming their own songs, the laughter of a young child playing in one of the gardens behind the cemetary, a car passing by, someone's soft crying… Sounds that belonged to life.

"I can't imagine what it's like to be deaf. How can someone live without hearing those wonderful sounds?"

It wasn't an actual question – they both knew that you had to – so Grissom remained silent. But then Sara dropped the bomb that was going to change everything and make their 'relationship' take an unexpected turn.

"How can you?"

* * *

_To Be Continued…_

* * *

Did you like this chapter? Please let me know what you think of it! Thank you!

Oh, and my apologies to every Hank fan in here. (grin) It was either him or Grissom. Well, the choice was easily made! :-)

- Karin -


	3. Chapter three

**Spoilers: **There's a reference to Crash & Burn in this part. Nothing much, but it does reveal something about Hank & Sara. That's all for the third season. Here in the Netherlands we still haven't finished the third season yet, so I'm unfamiliar with any major plot changes. Please remember that!

**Author's note**: First of all I want to thank everyone for their patience. I'm deeply sorry for keeping you waiting this long. I started college this year, so I didn't have much time to finish this story. Besides that, this chapter was also really hard to write. I suffered from major writer's block, and I think I have rewritten it at least a dozen times.

Fortunately my friends offered me all the support and advice I needed. So hereby I want to thank my wonderful betas Marlou and Missy, for their help and editing. Marlou, thank you for encouraging me to continue with this story! I also want to thank Geena for helping me with the beginning of this part and for pointing out some flaws.

And so here we are, the last part of my fanfic. I hope you'll like it!

* * *

**Falling Leaves**

By Karin

* * *

It took Grissom at least a whole minute to regain his composure, his facial expression evolving from complete shock slowly back to reservation again. He cleared his throat. "How did you find out?"

He did not ask her what she meant; he did not play dumb. It would only be an insult to her intelligence.

"I'm not blind, Grissom. You consider yourself a good observer and since I've been your student, I can say that I've learned from the best. Little things made me believe that something was wrong. That day in court, the times you didn't respond when I asked you something, the times you zoned out… Well, I put the pieces together and…"

"Solved the puzzle," Grissom finished the sentence for her. He didn't know whether to be irritated or relieved. On the one hand he felt like a part of him, a part he had wanted to keep secret, had been invaded and turned upside down. But on the other hand, maybe it was only good that someone…that Sara had found out. At least it had spared him from the difficult task of telling her one day.

"I have a disease called otosclerosis. I won't tire you with the medical explanation. In short: I will lose my hearing." Before Sara could open her mouth and ask on, Grissom continued: "When? There's no saying. It is a progressive disease, but it may take several years before I will be completely deaf."

Sara remained silent, letting his words sink in. It didn't come as a surprise – she'd already suspected something like this – yet hearing it from Grissom himself was totally different. Suddenly it had become awfully real.

She looked up at him. "How long have you known?"

"Remember Ashley James? The model who was found under her own billboard? I had an appointment with the doctor afterwards."

Her stomach contracted. That long? "Why couldn't you tell me then?" she asked softly.

"And say what? 'Hey Sara, I'm going deaf'." It came out sharper than was intended. Grissom sighed. "I still have to come to terms with it myself, Sara."

Sara knew she couldn't begin to understand how hard it must have been for him to walk around with such a secret, knowing that you could be going deaf, that you would have to miss out on something really important in the world.

She gave him a small smile. "Well, I can't say it like you just did, but I'm here for you…if you want me to."

Grissom's features softened. In an instinct, without thinking twice, he took her hand and squeezed it. "Thank you."

A warmth made its way through her body. It was strange. Grissom had opened himself up to her more in the last couple of minutes than in the last year. And all because of… She stared at his hand still holding hers and suddenly another image was overlaid in her mind. An image of two bloody hands desperately trying to hold onto hers, but eventually slipping away as the life left his body.

Immediately, as if she had burned her fingers, she pulled back her hand.

"Sara?"

_"Sara."_

She closed her eyes as the images flashed before her eyes. Their conversation had distracted her from why she was here, but she knew she could never run away from the truth.

* * *

_"Sara, we need to talk about this."_

_"No, we don't. You can't blame it all on that. You made a choice. It had nothing to do with…him."_

_"Yes, it did. Can't you see that? It had everything to do with him."_

_She turned around, her eyes blazing. "I don't need your excuses. I don't want to listen to this. There's nothing to talk about. It's over. It has been over for a long time." She grabbed her jacket. "And now I need to get back to work."_

_"To him."_

_She didn't answer; she didn't look back._

* * *

"We had a huge argument the day he..." Sara stopped, not able to bring herself to say that word. "Hank appeared on my doorstep that night, wanting to talk to me about our relationship." She grimaced. "Or the lack of it, so he said."

The fire flared up in her eyes as the mean words they both had said to each other that evening started echoing in her mind. But it was not just that. His words had hit home. Hank had said things to her that had sounded so true, so familiar. Truths she had pushed back really deep. Apparently not deep enough, because with every word they had returned to the surface more clearly than before.

He had accused her of using him as a substitute for the man she really wanted. He'd told her that if Grissom had welcomed her with open arms, she would have dumped him immediately. And although she had not admitted it in front of him, she couldn't deny to herself that he had made a point. If she were completely honest with herself, she would admit that it was exactly the reason why she had started a relationship with Hank in the first place. To have a life outside of her work, to feel alive actually, but also to get away from Grissom, to stop thinking about him, about the things she wished he would say or do.

Hank had touched a sore point and he knew it. And when she had left his house, she had not only fled from him and the pain he had caused her, but also from the truth he had thrown in her face.

"I had not expected him to be there that night…"

* * *

_She didn't even hear the man approach her from behind. The conversation earlier that evening still played on in her head and she was so concentrated on the blood mark in front of her that she missed the sound of footsteps that would have warned her of another presence in the room. _

_"Sara!"_

_Alarmed by the fear in Hank's voice, Sara jumped up and turned around. She stood face to face with evil. She knew it by the expression in the man's eyes. They were so cold that a shiver ran down her spine. The sole feeling present was the determination to survive, bringing down everyone standing in the way. _

_In the split seconds following the warning, the man reacted to Hank's voice and turned ninety degrees. The shot that followed made her ears ring. A soft murmur escaped her lips as she watched Hank collapse: "No."_

_She did not hear the second gunshot, nor the third and the fourth. She did not see the man fall on the ground, hit by bullets of the police officers around her. No, she was completely shut off from everything around her. Instead, she fell on her knees next to Hank and took his hand in hers. _

_"Hank?"_

* * *

"Maybe if I had not been so distracted or maybe if I'd reacted quicker…maybe then I could have done something…something to prevent this." There was no drama in her voice. It sounded almost distant, as if she was merely making a statement.

Grissom shook his head gloomily. "There was nothing you could have done, Sara. The most dangerous criminal is the one that has nothing to lose. He would have killed anyone in his way."

The sudden image of Sara lying on the ground, blood forming a pool around her body, turned his stomach. It was too horrible to even think about the possibility of losing her. This whole situation had made him realize that he had no idea what he would have done if it had been Sara instead of Hank.

It was bizarre. He had to thank Hank for still having Sara in his life. If Hank had not distracted the perpetrator, if he had not warned Sara, then she could have been killed. But instead the man he'd always seen as his rival had given his own life to save that of the woman he cared so much about. It was a strange experience to think of Hank as a hero when all of this time he'd envied and disliked the man for seizing the opportunities he had let slip himself.

"Maybe there was nothing I could have done, but he is dead because of me, Grissom," she snapped. The overpowering feeling of guilt clearly shone in her brown eyes. "We both said some mean words that evening. He'd hurt me. I wanted to hurt him back. I wanted to hate him. But how can I hate him now? After what he has done for me? He deprived me of my right to hate him the moment he warned me. So tell me this…what should I feel right now? Because I don't know anymore."

The distraught expression in her eyes betrayed the conflict inside of her. It consumed her, bringing about strong feelings that were each fighting to get the upper hand.

"He tried to save me, and that's why he got shot. He saved my life." Sara closed her eyes tightly, but a stray tear slipped through and slid down her cheek.

Slightly fascinated, Grissom followed the tear as it rolled down her face. It was one tear, but it betrayed all of her sorrow, pain and even guilt. At that moment he realized what he should have known all along. Sara didn't need any words from him, no empty promises or hollow words of comfort. He didn't have to say anything; there were no words that could ease her pain or make her feel less guilty. She had to do that on her own. All he could do was to be there for her, to give strength to the words he had signed only minutes ago.

Remaining silent he finally listened to his feelings and gently placed his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer. He felt Sara stiffen for a moment, but then she leaned into his embrace. She didn't cry; she didn't break down. That was all reserved for later when she was truly alone. The big fight was yet to come, to come to terms with what had happened, to give all those feelings a special place inside of her, but she had already taken the first step. She had come here to pay her last respect to the man she had both hated and cared about.

They sat there for what seemed like hours, both lost in their thoughts. Grissom kept his arm around her shoulder longer than was necessary, and Sara felt comfortable in his warm embrace. It was a rare and special moment of closeness between them and despite the reason behind it, they both enjoyed it. Any rules of conduct between supervisor and subordinate had been pushed aside. The boundaries had already faded a long time ago; the line pushed back. Their relationship had never been easy to define, but the last couple of days had changed everything in a way they could no longer ignore. Instead of standing still they now seemed to be moving on. How they would proceed, they did not know. They just had to…

* * *

**_The End_**

* * *

I hope you liked this final chapter. Please let me know what you think of it. Thank you!

- Karin -


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